John was a highly successful civil engineer and a loving husband. He was by nature a real go-getter. And so when his wife was told that she would need complicated heart surgery for a dysfunctional heart valve, he went into full throttle. They arranged to have her surgery at the best cardiac hospital in the country. They flew to the Midwest for what they thought would be a few weeks’ stay—a few days to settle in, a lengthy surgery, and then two weeks for recovery and rehab. The plan was for them to return home where Linda would undergo an intensive program for cardiac rehabilitation in order to get her right back to her active life. John did his homework, learning about the possible pitfalls of this surgery, and figuring out how they would overcome each one.

But things didn’t go as planned, and Linda’s post-operative course grew more dire by the day. At two weeks, she remained on the breathing machine, one complication after another plaguing her recovery. John was at the bedside day and night, pacing the halls, begging for more information, reading all that he could about the complications that were arising and possible treatment options. He asked to join the doctors’ rounds every day and stood with them as they pondered the various causes of her deterioration. As they scratched their heads, he scratched his. As they discussed medication side effects, he suggested new ones to try. John loved his wife and he would do anything to save her.

Yet Linda continued to steadily decline, and by the time a mutual friend pulled me in for advice, it was obvious to me that she was dying. But when I spoke with John, I realized that he had no idea. He had been so consumed by the drive to cure her, come what may, that even though he understood each problem as it arose, he couldn’t see forest for the trees. And the doctors, his only guides through this terrain, had not told him. Rather than honestly delivering difficult news, they had supported him in his grief-stricken efforts to keep up the fight. Even when they must have realized it was lost. (…) Read Full Article Here

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